Feeling humble

I met a guy at Open Coffee meetup yesterday. He said he loved my brand and then proceeded to tell me that a large part of what I was doing (or better not doing) was pants. He sweetened it a bit by telling me that as a start up high energy, get things going type, I was probably psychologically unsuited to doing all the regular day to day stuff of optimising the website and the business a little bit more each day. Therefore I need a lower key, more stable, more thorough person to join me in the company to do all that stuff.

Since I don't have one of these, I am going to have to do it myself. Anyway the good news is that it has kick started me into getting the website refocused, re-engineered and better managed.

Unfortunately we are short on cash to spend on anything and are not yet generating any surplus. So we are in the doldrums while our business grows bit by bit. Alternatively I need to go and raise some finance. Although it is a low ticket, low margin operation, our costs are very low and we are very scalable. All we need is a little uptick in sales = more cash for marketing = more sales = buy more interesting products in larger volumes = higher margins = lower prices = more sales = more cash = launch guerilla marketing operations secretly refurbishing London's children's parks = good PR and fun = more cash = launch in USA, Australia, NZ, Canada, Scandinavia, and then on to the Wicked Uncle range of male cosmetics, underwear, mobile phones, an airline, an island resort etc

The Wicked Uncle - How not to do Babysitting

This is a story recently written by the Storynory Team as a cautionary tale for all those new uncles out there. You can read it to kids if you happen to be babysitting and it's a lot more interesting than some of the kids' stories you might have to read otherwise. Sadly there are no monsters or really scary bits. (there are plenty of those on the main Storynory site, but we like this one).

If you are feeling particularly idle you can click here to go to the audio version read by the lovely Natasha, so all you have to do is park kid by the laptop, iPhone etc, press start and open a beer.

So here's the story:
It was Mum and Dad’s Crystal Anniversary, which meant that they had been married for 15 years. To celebrate, Dad was taking Mum away for a long weekend to a secret, romantic location. The children, Jeremy and Jemima, were going to stay with aunty Jane. Only aunty Jane was a bit scatterbrained, and she forgot all about her promise to look after her sister’s children, and she also arranged to go away that weekend. And so she couldn’t look after the kids after all.
“Well I suppose I could ask Jeff,” said Dad.
“Oh no, anybody but Jeff,” said Mum.
But as it turned out, there was nobody else but Jeff to be found at such short notice.
Jeff was Dad’s brother. The children hadn’t seen him since they were very small, and mum called him their “wicked uncle” because he always forgot their birthdays. Sometimes he sent cards and a ten pound note - but always at completely the wrong time of year.
“I bet he is awfully wicked,” said Jemima, “because Mum really really doesn’t like him at all. I think he went to prison”
“Or perhaps he was a pirate?” said Jeremy hopefully. (Continues below.....)

Happy Reading,



The Wicked Uncle Incredibly Responsible Surrogate Parenting Team

(continues)
But when Jemima asked Dad if Uncle Jeff had been to prison, Dad said that No he hadn’t, at least, not as far as he knew. But he didn’t say it like he was surprised she had asked. I mean, if somebody asked you if somebody you knew had been to prison, you might at least try to sound a bit surprised. But Dad didn’t.
Uncle Jeff arrived late on Friday night, and in the morning, when Jeremy looked out of the window he saw a red sports car parked in the drive next to Dad’s big blue estate car. A taxi came very early to pick up Mum and Dad and take them to the airport. Later, Jemima and Jeremy got up and made their own breakfast, but Jeremy didn’t eat his at the kitchen table like he was supposed to. Instead, still in his pajamas, he took toast and jam into the living room and switched on the television.
“You know that Mum doesn’t let us watch TV on Saturday mornings,” said Jemima. “because they only show rubbish.”
“Well mum isn’t here. She’s enjoying a weekend of freedom from the us,” said Jeremy.
“I bet Uncle Jeff will tick you off,” said Jemima.
At about ten o’clock, Uncle Jeff came into the living room just as an army of tanks was being destroyed by robots from the Planet Zeeton.
“Bang ! Pehow ! Poook!” said Uncle Jeff, like a lot of guns and explosives going off. Jeremy looked up at him in amazement. Dad never said anything like that.
“Scuse me kids,” said Uncle Jeff. “I need a cup of strong black coffee before I can face the world - Now where’s the kitchen? Oh, I’m your Uncle Jeff by the way,” and he disappeared down the corridor. A little later, he returned and asked, “Well what are we going to do today?”
“Homework,” said Jemima.
And Uncle Jeff said, “Bor-ing. What’s the world coming to? Don’t kids these days get up to any mischief? ”
“Let’s go and buy some computer games” suggested Jeremy.
“Could do,” said Uncle Jeff thoughtfully. “But I had something a bit more outdoors in mind. Come on. Get dressed and I’ll take you on a surprise treat.”
A little later, they all got into Dad’s estate car. Jeremy was supposed to be strapped into a child seat for safety, but he asked cheekily, “Can I drive?” and Uncle Jeff said, “Well all right, but only on the driveway.” Jemima protested that her little brother didn’t know how to drive a car, but Uncle Jeff said that it was never too early to learn, and he let Jeremy sit on his lap and hold the steering wheel. But Just as Jeff was starting the engine, Jeremy moved the gear stick, and the car leapt forward with a great crunching noise. There was a burning smell and smoke started to come out of the bonnet.
“Whoops, there goes the clutch,” said Uncle Jeff. “I don’t think Dennis is going to be too pleased. Perhaps we wont mention this little incident to your dad. We’ll just let him think that your mother broke the car. Well, what shall we do now?”
“Can we go in your sports car?” asked Jeremy?
“Well, so long as I drive,” said Uncle Jeff. And they all got out and went over to Uncle Jeff’s car. It was rather cramped on the back seat, even for the children, and there certainly wasn’t room for Jeremy’s safety seat. He reversed out of the drive at quite a pace, and soon was roaring down their street so that all of their neighbours must have heard them. Then Uncle Jeff turned on some loud music and opened the sun roof. His style of driving was not at all like Dad’s. He zipped in and out of traffic and shot through lights just as they were turning from orange to red. Jemima thought he an irresponsible driver, but she didn’t say anything because that wouldn’t be polite. Jeremy said, “Can we go faster Uncle Jeff?” And Uncle Jeff put his foot on the pedal and they went even faster. He took them out of the town, and down a dual carriage way into the countryside. Eventually he turned up what looked like a farm track. A sign read, “Clay Pigeon Shooting’.
When they stopped and got out of the car, Uncle Jeff opened up the little boot and took a long leather pouch. Jeremy realised that there was a gun inside. “Oh, can I hold it?” he asked. And Uncle Jeff said “Maybe.”
Clay Pigeons aren’t real pigeons, but disks that are shot out of a machine and fly through the air. If you are shooting you try to smash the disk. But it’s extremely difficult to hit a moving target, and requires lots of skill.
Uncle Jeff made sure that Jeremy and Jemima were kitted out with ear protectors because gun-fire is really loud and can make you deaf. They also had to wear goggles in case a bit of clay flew into their eyes.
They stood in a field and when Uncle Jeff called “pull” a clay pigeon flew out of a kind of bunker. Uncle Jeff smoothly followed the target with his gun and squeezed the trigger. There was a loud bang and the smell of gun powder in the air. He missed. But he called out “pull” again and another target flew through the air. This time he hit it and the clay smashed into pieces.
“Can I have a go?, Can I have a go?” begged Jeremy.
And Uncle Jeff showed him how to hold the shotgun broken open at the middle so that it couldn’t go off by accident. And then he showed him how to hold it in firing position so that its kick wouldn’t hurt his shoulder. The shot gun was almost as big as Jeremy, but he thought that holding it was the coolest thing ever.
“Pull” he shouted, and a pigeon flew through the air. He followed it and squeezed the trigger. The gun went “Boom” and it jumped as if it had a life of its own. Jeremy missed by a mile. But he was very excited, and as soon as Uncle jeff had loaded a new cartridge into the barrel, he called “Pull” again and another pigeon flew through the air and he missed one more time. In fact, however many times he tried, Jeremy couldn’t hit the target.
And then Jemima had a go. And do you know what? She was really good at shooting. She smashed the target about four or five times.
Even Uncle Jeff was impressed, “Better than doing homework, eh?” he said as they squished back into his car. Jeremy and Jemima thanked their uncle for their treat.
“It was really wicked,” said Jeremy.
“Well it was fun.” said Jemima. “But I don’t think you should have taken us clay pigeon shooting without asking mum first.”
“How Do you know I didn’t ask her?” said Uncle Jeff.
“Because she would almost certainly have have said ‘no’” said Jemima. “And by the way, please drive more slowly and carefully. There are children in the back and you are the responsible adult.”
Uncle Jeff slowed down and promised to drive carefully. And Jemima felt better because she realised that safety was even more important than being polite or worrying about causing offense.
When they got back to town, Uncle Jeff took them to a Turkish Kebab restaurant for lunch, and Jeremy tried hot chili sauce which burned his mouth. He had to eat loads of ice cream afterwards to cool off.
But when they got back to the house, Uncle Jeff searched in vain through his pockets for the front door key. And then he realized that he must have got it mixed up with his own from home. They were locked out.
“Is there a way in the back?” he asked. And they tried the side gate and found that it was open.
The French doors at the back of the house were firmly closed. But there was a window open just above the extension had been added to the back of the house only last year.
“It’s a pity. I think I’m too heavy to climb onto that roof” said Uncle Jeff.
“But I can,” said Jeremy. And since there was no other way into the house, Uncle Jeff agreed to lift Jeremy up onto the roof of the porch. He started to scramble up towards the window. But when he got to it, he found that the window was stuck and he couldn’t get it open any more. But there was a higher window that was fully open, and Jeremy thought that he might be able to climb up to that one by getting up onto the garden wall.
“Oh no” called out Uncle Jeff when he saw what Jeremy was trying to do. “That’s too dangerous”.
But Jeremy didn’t listen. He was on the top of the garden wall and now he was trying to stretch across to the high window. But the stretch was too far and he didn’t make it. He fell down to the roof of the porch. The extension to the house hadn’t been made very well by the builders and Jeremy went straight through the roof of the sun room. He landed on top of Mum’s tomato plant.
“Oh,” said Jeremy.
“Oh dear,” said Jeff.
“I don’t think mum’s going to be pleased,” said Jemima.
A nosy neighbour saw what had happened and called the police: He told them:
“There’s a boy who’s just got in through the roof, and man holding what can only be a gun. Then there’s a lass too. She looks really mean.”
“What makes you say it’s a gun sir?” asked the policeman.
“Well I was in the army for fifteen years and I think I know what a gun looks like,” said the neighbour.
It wasn’t often that people with guns tried to break into houses in that area. In fact, Jeremy and Jemima lived on one of the sleepiest and most peaceful streets you could imagine. But the police officer who took the call decided to send an armed response unit just to be on the safe side.
It took Jeremy a few minutes to get over the shock of falling through the roof. He wasn’t badly hurt, but he had cut and bruised himself and he earth in his hair and looked quite a sight. The police car screeched up the drive just as he was letting Uncle Jeff and Jemima in through the front door.
“Armed Police Officers, Freeze !” shouted the policeman.
And Uncle Jeff said, “Don’t shoot. I’ve got a license for this gun.”
Uncle Jeff, Jemima and Jeremy spent the rest of the day at the police station. Jemima and Jeremy were allowed to sit in the waiting room with a policeman and a policewoman sitting on either side of them. They weren’t allowed to talk to each other. Uncle Jeff was taken down to the cells before being interviewed. He gave them his brother’s mobile phone number, but since Mum and Dad were in Paris on a romantic weekend, they had both turned their mobile phones off for the day. It was 10 O’Clock at night before they managed to persuade the police that they weren’t a gang of criminals and could go home.
On Sunday, they all got up rather late.
“Well what shall we do?” asked Uncle Jeff.
“Homework” said Jemima. And Jeremy agreed that they both needed to do their homework. After that, Jemima asked Jeff if they could make a carrot cake, and they got one of mum’s recipe books out and they all did the mixing and baking. The result wasn’t too bad. Then they went out and bought some flowers from the stall for mum and dad. Then they read books and went to bed at seven o clock.
“Well, ” said Uncle Jeff to himself as he watched the football match on TV. “I think a Wicked Uncle has an important role to play in the upbringing of every child. They won’t forget this weekend in a hurry. I’ve set the kids a great example of how NOT to behave. ”
And he had. But funnily enough, Mum and Dad never asked him to look after the kids for the weekend again.

What do girls want ?

So what do girls really want ?

A really cool Wicked Uncle doesn't just come up with great stuff for boys, he is also in touch with his feminine side (as if) and knows what stuff little girls want as well. Just in case you don't, here is the Wicked Uncle definitive answer and some cool stuff for girls. No longer will you be the guy who bought the mega dumper truck when she really wanted a doll. Key rules for present buying for girls:

1. Pink is good. Creative is really good.
2. Start on fairies, move on to ballet, then riding. As they get older makeup and clothes. Then money. Then diamonds.
3. If you don't get it, don't worry. You are not the consumer.
4. If all else fails, just claim the credit for buying the most popular present.

(NB Wicked Uncle doesn't go beyond 12, so we don't actually do diamonds).

First on our list is the Enchanted Fairy Garden - a highly creative kit to grow your own indoor flower garden in a mini pink, eco-friendly greenhouse.


Next selection is our Bluebell Stables with actual pony (not live so no problem with feeding etc). Very popular with our younger riding-conscious consumers.

Then we have the My First Beauty Mirror Box named with all the finesse only a Swede could bring to the English language. In fact it is a brilliantly designed, really smart jewellery/precious things storage box by famed Nordic designer, Pia Wallen.

And finally for the sophisticated fashionista niece, we have the Graphic Design T Shirt Studio Set . This has everything you need to turn your t-shirts into amazingly, cool fashion items and become a street fashion icon in your own neighbourhood. Statement art. Very Miley Cyrus.

And if none of these are quite right, then there are lots of other cool girls' stuff at our site www.wickeduncle.com.

Happy Girly Shopping,




The Wicked Uncle Incredibly Politically Correct Team

PS We tried to get some Swedish jokes, but they are all a bit like this.....

Once there came a customer into the store and asked, "Kan jag få två smørgåssar?" (May I have two sandwitches). The store-clerk then asked, "Are you Swedish?" whereupon the customer said, " er det fordi jag sa 'smørgåssar de skjønnte at jag var svensk?" (is it because I said 'smørgåssar' i.e. the swedish word for sandwitch, you knew I was a Swede). The clerk made a cunning smirk, "no, it is because you're in a hardware store."

And now for some miscellaneous jokes:

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
Don't cry, it's only a joke!

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

Storynory - Stories for Kids

Storynory - brilliant idea

We don't just exist to sell you stuff. We are in fact a valuable resource with interesting things to say and witty jokes. We have just found a fantastic website for uncles wishing to impress kids, so we thought we better tell you.

Remember that sinking feeling when some wide-eyed kid goes "Tell me a story, Uncle Michael" and your mind goes blank. Or worse you think up some really cool story and halfway through discover the kid is terrified, just as you are doing that graphic description of the monster with three heads who lurks in the cupboard and comes out at night to eat little kids.....The solution is Storynory.

Storynory is a website with stacks of stories suitable for kids, old classics, scary fairy tales and some new stuff that they write. All the stories have an audio version read by their storyteller. You can download an MP3 file and play the story to the kid or just go on line with your Blackberry/iPhone, choose a story and read it yourself. And it is all free. Which is bad news because they can't pay us for telling you how cool it is.

It has been extensively tested by us on the sample 4 year old and he loves it. Plus they get plenty of kids who are really keen. Check it out.

Last week we announced our new Hobby Horse without the Stick (as seen here). Demand has been fantastic. To celebrate we are going to give one free from our fast diminishing stock to the first reader to email us with the definitive answer to the question: "Who is the coolest Western hero/anti-hero ever ?" You need to name the movie, the actor and the character's name correctly to win.

Some might feel the answer to this is subjective, but a short period to ponder will quickly set you right.

If you do win, some lucky kid will get a cool, new pony substitute.

And remember if you are allergic to horses, then there are lots of other cool toys at our site www.wickeduncle.com.

Happy Western Shopping,



The Wicked Uncle Team

PS And here is the cowboy joke:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water, and soon, Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."

Ride the wild range

How to ride the wild range....

As you know we boldly go to new parts of the planet to seek out brilliant new kids' presents. We now proudly announce the Hobbyhorse without a Stick !

This brilliant new concept, known descriptively as My Riding Pony - £24.99 has been pioneered in the Pampas of Devon and is the Next Big Thing. What is the problem with the traditional Hobby Horse ? Yes, it is the stick which severely limits your speed and manoeuvrability. In a triumph for British ingenuity, this problem has been solved.

You step into the furry waistband, check the tail is hanging loose, grab the reins and speed off.

Tested on stacks of kids and massively popular we think this is the thing for summer. It is also an excellent credit crunch present as it is a lot cheaper than a real pony and does not need feeding. No more messy oats. If you already have a pony, we do not necessarily recommend replacing it with My Riding Pony as you might get tears, but it is a very good substitute.

If you are allergic to horses, then there are lots of other cool toys at our site www.wickeduncle.com. And if you have a moment or two left over from your lunch break, check out our Teddy Bears Picnic game for some light entertainment.

Happy Equine Shopping,



PS And here are the horse jokes:

Q: How do you hire a horse?
A: Put a brick under each hoof!


Q: What does it mean if you find a horse shoe?
A: Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.

Q: What do you give a sick horse?
A: Cough stirrup.

Q: What's a horse's favourite sport?
A: Stable Tennis

Q: How long should a horse's legs be?
A: Long enough to reach the ground.

Spread a little happiness

Wicked Uncle wants you to spread a little happiness....

In the long run we are all sub-optimally re-engineered. In the meantime, despite the credit crunch, there are hordes of eager little people relying on us to remember their birthdays. And even if it is not a birthday, we can also get extra street cred and spread a little happiness by spontaneous present giving. (Well we would support this, wouldn't we?).

Birthday or not, here are a few cool things you could hand over to make a small person even happier. If you have ever missed a nephew's birthday, then now is the time to make up as the first green shoots of economic recovery (or possibly just Spring) appear.

The Star Theatre projects an image of the night sky onto the bedroom ceiling and walls. It comes with an audio CD guide and the ability to create your own meteors. (Sadly interplanetary warfare and alien invasion are not built in). Highly educational and very PC.

Our latest acqusition from the Puppet Company is a scary 31" green crocodile puppet. He has scaly skin, huge teeth and looks pretty fierce. Perfect for small boys wanting to chase younger sisters around the garden.

And for those wanting a really PC present, we have the Alphabet Motorbike Jigsaw. All the pieces have letters of the alphabet (very educational), it requires no batteries and is definitely non-violent. And it is made of recycled materials.(Very middle class, although the motorbike image could be regarded as a little demotic).

Plus lots of other cool toys at our site www.wickeduncle.com. And if you have a moment or two left over from your lunch break, check out our Teddy Bears Picnic game for some light entertainment.

Happy Spontaneous Shopping,



The Wicked Uncle Team

PS Here are a couple of bear jokes suitable for amusing small people. All tested on willing guinea pigs:

NB Wicked Uncle supports the right to keep and arm bears.

Q. What do Winnie the Pooh and Rupert the Bear have in common ?
A. Their middle names.

Q. What is white, furry and tastes of mint ?
A. A polo bear.

Q. How do you start a teddy bear race ?
A. Ready,teddy, go.

A teddy bear who worked on a building site arrived for work one morning to discover his pick was missing. He went to see the foreman who told him "It's because today's the day, the teddy bears have their picks nicked!"

The Tarantula Returns....

The Remote Controlled Tarantula is back.........
Today Wicked Uncle announces the Return of the R/C Tarantula. One of our most popular items, this is a large, remote controlled, highly realistic, endorsed by the Natural History Museum, cosmically cool and very scary Spider. Like Spiderman but without the charm. Or the man bit. Definitely guaranteed to scare girls and entertain boys.
Since this is a highly authentic, 9" across, model of a leading member of the arachnid species, it would be a perfect gift to improve the biology skills of your little nephews and nieces; who get a chance to study at close hand a rarely encountered (fortunately) rare breed. Alternatively they might just love the fact that you can put it down in a crowded supermarket near the bananas, retire a few feet and control it from your pocket. Thereby causing much amusement for the operator and some mild consternation amongst the shoppers.

You could do it in a restaurant, but you might lose the tarantula. In which case of course, we would be delighted to sell you another one.


Don't say the idea came from us.

Have fun,





The Extremely Wicked Uncle Dudes

PS And now for a spider joke - followed (naturally) by a parrot joke:

Q.What has 8 legs and likes living in trees?

A.Four anti road protesters?

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks very rudely, "And get me a whisky, dumbbell."
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets all about the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and squawks, "And get me another whisky you airhead."
Quite upset, the poor girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it now you stupid idiot."
Next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.
As they plunge downwards, the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've sure got an attitude."